Entries tagged with “frustration”.

Inspired by the TERF’s posting and commenting at The Magazine Project.

You insult us.
You claim we are ruining everything.
You sourly say “Well I’m glad YOU are happy but everyone else is mistaken.”
You describe us as the scum of the Earth…

Then cry foul when we dare argue back against your cissplaining.

Sorry, it doesn’t work like that.

I’m not oppressing you, I’ve got no power to do so. As much as it may hurt you to hear this, what you are doing is classic oppression. You are ganging up with the forces of social conservatism to deny us medical care, to attempt to legislate us out of existence, and to attempt to shame and frighten us back into the closet.

You load us up with all these false circular arguments, you shift goalposts, you consistently work to waste our time and energy, our love, and our caring.

We reach out time after time to show you we are not the monsters you assume, we try to respond to your concerns, only to find time and again you ignore what we have to say and just respond with the same script.

You say that my existence reinforces the gender binary, is anti-feminist, and that I’m just a pervert who’s wearing a woman suit.

You say that my life helps kill women by reinforcing a culture of a oppression against them, and yet you fail to see how your words and actions kill trans women by helping to support a culture that oppresses trans people.

You assert that you really trying to make life better for everyone, that you really care, and yet the words you use are full of hate and fear.

So you know what? It’s your turn.

Prove to me that I’m wrong. Prove to me that I’m hurting feminism, lesbian culture, or women in general by my continued existence on this planet. Because I say it’s YOU who is doing that. I’ve done my proving, thread after thread, interaction after interaction, and simply by living my life.

Your hate.
Your fear.
Your unreasoned flailing and logical fallacies.
Your telling my wife that she’s a waste of a perfectly good lesbian.
Your telling me that my happiness and rights mean nothing.
Your willingness to put aside your own theory in order to better hate me.

Your Turn.


Someone broke into our apartment this morning. They stole three laptops, the xbox, my phone, a friend’s camera, and some other stuff. I’m blessed to have been able to have those things, many in the world don’t even have one… but it obviously still hurts. I’m angry with the person who did it, the cop didn’t help (he was all “What you were home and you didn’t wake up?” ), and I feel naked without my phone. Even with all of this, my prevailing feeling is more general sadness that someone was in a state of mind where they felt this was the what they needed to do. I wish them a good life, though I’d be hard pressed not to at least yell at them if I ever met them… but I’m sad that people get to that point.

It’s not just economics… even during this downturn crime has still been on the decline. It’s not just our societies lack of seeing other people as human and worthy of respect. Some people just steal, hurt others, and do bad things. And all I can do is feel sorry for them. But I can’t really see why people do these things, I can’t really understand the mindset behind this… And it’s the same mindset that I think is messing up the world.. that the self is more important than everything else. Or perhaps they just needed a fix. I donno.


(This is the first of four posts discussing life with ADHD)

Depending on how you met me, you may not have realized that I’m about as ADHD as they come. Like many ADHD adults, I’ve learned to cope with many of the social tells that I had as a kid and have calmed down a little bit. Dealing with ADHD is still a significant part of my life challenges and in many ways causes me far more difficulty than being transsexual. This may sound odd to some, but being trans never stopped me from completing work on my own projects, with my own tools and no help needed; my poorly managed ADHD has. Its cost me jobs, respect, and and severely damaged my self-image. At times it even threatens my relationship.

No matter how deeply Lissa cares for me, it is impossible for her or anyone to hide how frustrating I can be. She’s the type of person that always wants to be early, and plans things out weeks ahead of time.  I’m always rushing and have one last thing that I have to do before we go. I don’t complete tasks and regularly have real difficulty with even doing simple things. It’s a regular topic of discussion between us, and one that she’s shown more patience for than I can tell you. Recently during one of these discussions, I found an answer to the question,  “What is it like?”

For me, living with ADHD is like there’s a sock on the floor. You’re walking past it so you bend down, pick it up, and take it to the dirty clothes. Then you go back to what you’re doing when you notice another sock, then another. Pretty soon you’ve forgotten what you were doing and are off on some other task; which gets interrupted by a sock on the floor.

The source of some distractions are really easy see from the outside.  Trying to put a knife sharpener away leads to 10 minutes of attempting to sharpen the serrated knife that is also in the block, while the dishwasher door is down and the rest of the plates remain scattered across the counter. I’ll get frustrated with how a sentence or a function is working out, catch a glimpse of my empty tea cup when I look away for second, and spend 20 minutes futzing around the house before I realize I’m not focused. Let’s not even get started on what twitter and blogs do to me.

On second thought, let’s. Y’see, the distractions that are easily seen from outside are only half the problem. Even when I’m not getting distracted by whatever objects happen to be sitting around, my mind tends to be busy fiddling around with the socks on my mental floor. I’ll be cleaning and think of something I want to say on twitter, or a response to a blog post, or just some completely random idea that needs to be worked out in my head. One thing leads to another and it’s 30 minutes later.

Many of the people I’ve spoken too seem to think that the distraction part of being ADHD is like If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. While this seems correct, it really implies a connectivity to the pattern of distraction which distorts the ways ADHD is confronted. Many of the distractions that I deal with on a daily basis are completely non-linear, and in reality it’s closer to “If you give a mouse a cookie, he’ll want to pet a moose”.  Removing things that act as distractions only has a temporary effect, and even in a completely spartan environment, my mind will insert plenty of distractions without any assistance.

The other common assumption about ADHD based distraction is that it is because the person just doesn’t care, has misaligned priorities, or is just plain lazy. While this can be true about individuals, in general attitude isn’t the cause of ADHD distraction. Authority figures treating people living with ADHD as though they are lazy or uncaring can also lead to severe depression, which exacerbates any existing problems. I don’t pretend to have the right answers and I doubt that the “right answers” for me are anywhere close to universal, but we’ll talk about that in a few days.

*As a side note, I suspect that many of the children misdiagnosed with ADHD actually have symptoms of depression or other mental problems that lead to difficulty focusing on schoolwork or acting out.